French Beds

French Beds

I buy beds
beautiful ornate
vintage
french beds
carved and exotic
fruits and flowers
intricate and delicate

Some bits worn and broken
but I love them all
they make my breath catch
at their beauty
I ache for their exuberance
but I ask "What am I doing? I have a bed."
I have no need for all this decadence

But my bed is broken
even though it looks fine
on the surface
underneath the support has snapped
propped up with books and old magazines
I need to stop buying useless but beautiful things
don't I?

But what is the use of a practical bed
that is broken?

The Universe Calling

The Universe Calling

It is 2.22 pm
the time
the universe calling?
A message I should know?
pairs with one stuck in the middle
a triangle

I am so scared of what is to come
breaking it all apart
not seeing beyond
will it grow again?
dismantling years into minutes
no focus

But the kookaburras are calling me again
they always do
at big moments in my life
Today they are restless
Gaphawing, hooping
speaking their song to me

I am dumb
I can't understand
what they are saying
So they fall silent
and I long them to come back
to tell me what to do

Instead a crow croons
and flies away
rozellas twerp and chirp
happy in their freedom
the trucks brakes squeal
reminding me of work and steel close by

They are back again now
fleetingly
the Kookaburras
More intense but distant
as is the crow
and the clouds are thin

And the air is chilled
even in the afternoon fullness
of the sun
I sit and wait
on manicured grass
at the lonely institution of learning

All is quiet
all is calm
all is moving away
slowly
even
in the stillness

it is 2.33 pm precisely
no longer a perfect trine
that is gone
a new mystery awaits
and what is time anyway
but our attempt at constraint

and the cricket begins her song........

Fallen

Still
No clearer
I have to go home
Scared
Confronting
What do I say?

Fallen
in love with a stranger
who has become known
showing me
photographs
feeding me

Glorious kissing
kissing me
me talking
you sharing
sharing loving
loving sex

What am I thinking?
and I buying
fancy beds
to fix it all up
beautiful
but absolutely useless

fucked

Betwixt and Between

Betwixt and Between

How do I find the place
to go?
I am crying for you
crying for you
waiting to hold you close

I can't live without fire
I can't live without love
I can't hold your love

Kiss me forever
Hold me til dawn
You reach me
and pull me in
but you break me
when you pull back

My lover is here
My lover is away
Does he think of me?
Does he know me?
I know
you love me

Sun shines
Soothes my aching heart
but fades when you're gone
hold me love me
will you ever let me know?
will you ever let me go?

Will you break your rule?
and what of the love at home?
My long love
Oh that hurts so bad
you won't hold me
I can't risk you

The Gypsy Nomad

The Gypsy Nomad

Joy and Sadness
Love and Loss
you you you
Cannot pin you down
My nomad my lover
Each time I fall deeper

I try to say no
to tell myself
you are no good for me
but I fall and fall and you say
Come away with me
Make love to me

You hold me til it hurts
we drink wine
we kiss
my lips and yours are one
how can I? how can I
hold you.....slipstream

I don't want to own you
but I ache so much to be away
even now
only hours after we have loved
and filled ourselves
with food and wine

ooh please say you want me
no more mucking around
tonight I want you
tonight I would leave all I know
for you
but you have to give me more

I am crying inside
dying inside
you have me completely
but you are so close
and you are so distant
my nomad, my gypsy lover

will you
will you
come find me
will you
steal me away

Here We go Again

Here We Go Again

So here we go again
the pen and me
waiting for answers
to be told
without questions
to hold my tongue

what is my life?
where am I?
Lost
for so long
looking for love
craving intimacy, connection

Breaking away
suffocated, airless, held down
I back away from myself
I want freedom
so much, so much more
than I think of myself or others see me

You cannot see me when I hide
behind care and concern
ever faithful servant
the good girl
mother
friend and lover

push it down
push it down
it will pass
Buddha said
but here I am again
the pen and me

Swoon

Swoon

Today I am missing you like crazy

You are still here but gone

So lonely for you

I long for you

Was it just that?

A bird flew by yesterday

She swooped and soared next to me

Chasing my car with such intensity

She found me

I was puzzled.

I didn’t know what she wanted but I think it was you

What could she tell me that you cannot?

Her presence was clear

But her message obscured

A blessing or warning. I am not sure?

You wanted me

You pursued me

And I did not say no

But I did too

Want you that is!

I thought I could play distant

I thought I was wise

I thought you would fall open slowly

It’s all so unexpected you say

For me a nice surprise

Maybe she was telling me stay away

That your heart could not be opened

Maybe she was urging me to persist

Or go home

Or that this one is broken

It was not a chance meeting

She, you, I

Maybe that is it

Maybe I, the messenger

From her, from the sky

Oh but it hurts

And I have no rights

I fight it, fight it, fight it

I clutch my womb tight

Cold as ice

I did not want to love you

A few days passed

I told myself I didn’t care

Shaken by my emotions and yours

Despair

What do I do?

I am elsewhere

so are you

Was it that meaningless?

Have I sold my soul for so little?

How many more like me

I feel like accusing you

But that would mean I could ask

And I cannot

I have no rights

I miss you like crazy today

And for now it’s not returned

Fleeting ideas of me and you

If I am not mistaken

You have also yearned

But your heart is so closed, And mine is open

What on earth did I expect? A miracle?

That I was different, that you would change?

Well yes! My heart told me so

But you are deaf to yours

And so you watch this chance to know love fly away………again

The River

The River

My heart is aching today

While my hips are strained in love

I have love

In the right places

But entangled

Heart at home hips away

Friends, lovers, friends

My heart aches for more

It is greedy for love

All kinds of love -Longing, friendship, laughter

For long time river love

That ebbs and flows

Finds new meaning

In Every stone current, Every bend, Every deep pool

But I stop.

My path forward is delayed

I am pulled under

Into an eddy of pure passion

Dragged down or lifted up

I can never quiet tell

I don’t like shallow waters

I prefer the mystery of the endless spiral

Mesmerising, fascinating

Whirlpool atop but still deep below

Always moving

I cannot stop here too long

They eventually pull me to the surface

For air, to survive, to continue

But today my heart aches

I will it to change

To find a new current

To cast a new path

To leave the past

To forsake whence I have sprung

My beginnings, my origins

But how do I? I try. I try.

After all I am the river

One long ribbon from mountain to sea

My mind forgets

but my heart always knows

How I carried those first stones, loves, losses

Those stories – Oh if the river could speak

Exquisite fresh joy and opaque murky depths that can follow…………later……..

They are all within me

The heaviest cast aside but still remains

Even if only a faint memory

It hurts often

But I chose it this way

Not wanting to stop

The flow or stagnate

I keep my heart open

It hurts often

But this is what I know

And the river…….is me

Is the river

is you

Is the river

is us

is the river

Minoan Snake Goddess

Minoan Snake Goddess 2015

I painted this little water colour in honour of the ancient Goddesses of Crete known as the Snake Goddess. Although rather controversial and debated as to whether these Goddess Priestesses actually existed, there is archaeological evidence in the form of clay and bronze statues of women in this very pose. Regardless of the factual truth, I am more interested in the mythology and symbolism of the Goddess and how she has captured and allured many. The energy of the Snake Goddess for me is power and more so, women's empowerment and control over the male symbolism of the snake.

In this image the Goddess holds two black snakes in each hand in the sacred grove of tangerines and oranges. Her exposed breasts and the lush grove symbolise her sensual power and the fullness of her own body showing control over her sexual maturity. This is a woman not an innocent maiden, a priestess rather than a bride. She is not owned by anyone and is fully cognizant of her power and intentions.

I painted her at a time when I was emboldened by my own explorations of sexuality outside my marriage. This was a very empowering and invigorating time for me and an important part of my development as an independent and fully realized woman of power. this was my way of saying "I am responsible for my own sexual satisfaction, my own happiness and independence". This was a way of owning my own identity instead of being part of seeing myself only as a mother, nurturer, wife and as part of a couple or family. This was me taking back ownership of my own identity. it felt fabulous but was not without consequence.

Unleashing Desire and the Mid Life Crisis: Sex, poetry and art making

I would like to share with you some poetry and paintings that I have written and made over the past six months. This has been a deeply transitional time as I move towards middle age and after navigating a marriage for over 20 years. Also, I have just come out of a long intense time of study as I have just finished a PhD after six years. While this was rewarding in one sense, my creative self, family and marriage has suffered as I had to shut down certain aspects of myself to get it done. When I finished my PhD, the lid on my life literally exploded open. I think this may happen to anyone who has gone through a long intense period of deprivation of some kind when they have had to shut down important aspects of themselves such as the sensual, sexual, interpersonal and life giving.

I have decided to share this difficult, exhilarating and deeply personal struggle with you because this gives voice to an experience that is often held secret, silent and causes much pain for women. That has always been my mission....to out myself and uncover the secret life that many women often traverse alone. I wrote this poem after I feel in love with a man while still married to my husband. I had no intention of falling in love at first. I was just looking for sexual excitement as is common in many long term mostly faithful marriages. In other words I was having a mid life crisis.

I am an artist, passionate and very gregarious so I was partly prepared for my own intense responses but I was not prepared for what was to unfold and is still unfolding. At the time of falling in lust and love I was so obsessed and overwhelmed by the intensity that I found it difficult to focus on anything else. While I found so much joy, loving intimacy and deep sexual satisfaction in my liaison there was also a deeply dark side such as secrecy, deception, loss and grief. I thought that I could accept and distance myself from the emotional intensity but I was caught in the maelstrom of desire and became addicted to the feelings of being desirous and wanted. Later I became caught up in the cycle of rejection and the thrill, and pain, of the chase.

I do not intend this as a warning for you to shut down your own experiences of exploring your sexuality. On the contrary, I would still be stuck in a deeply unsatisfying state wondering what if, if I had not gone through this experience. I share this with you are a way of shared learning for me and you. I don't think we have many opportunities for face to face spaces in our lives that enable this kind of intimate sharing between women that can liberate a healthy sharing.

This blog will have to do but one benefit is that we can share a little bit anonymously. The downside is we do not get to share in the kind of energy exchange and reading of little signs and gestures that are important in human communication and that perhaps we all crave...like the raise of an eyebrow, the sound of slapping your leg in raucous laughter as your best friend and you laugh at the raunchy and ridiculous.....the smell of safe friendship and food and of course the heartfelt hug that needs no words.

So please enjoy the journey with me and I especially hope you can relate to my poems and paintings.