This is Estelle, I'd like you to meet her. I painted Estelle about 4 years ago but I did not understand the power of her image and sombre look until quite recently. I often find that with my paintings...mostly.... they have a message within them I can only glimpse at the time of the doing. Later, with the clear vision of hindsight, I can see what it was all about. Sometimes, they are like premonitions. This is also what I mean by art as a connection to the Divine (see my previous blog).
The reason Estelle is here to meet you is because she has been caught in the endless cycle of pleasing others. She has been trapped, forced to dance for her dinner and sing for her supper. She would really like to be somewhere else. Perhaps she would like to disappear into the ether and stars of the universe that surround her. You can't see the crowd that are watching her, leering and admiring her half naked body...the ones that clutch greedily at her breasts, wanting a part of her. They want to tear away the cloth that barely covers her. She will not see you, because in her mind she is far away, conjuring all the things she would wish to do. She has performed the steps so many times now that she doesn't need to think. She can mindlessly perform her allotted role. Can you recognise a little bit of yourself in Estelle?
How often do you feel like you are meeting demands for other people in your day? How often do you think "I'll get to do what I really want to do just when I have finished helping the kids, or in the holiday or some other commitment or responsibility?
I think this is a a battle that we all play out everyday to some extent but some of us are way too far on the side of pleasing others, sticking to our commitments and responsibilities without ever stepping out of this to see if it is the best thing for you.
I am a commitment addict. If I say I am going to do something then I will do it even if it means me or my family miss out. I don't want to let people down. This has worked for me most of the time but lately I have begun to question whether or not I should hold true to my commitments or if whether this is always the best way to go about life. I am finding that fewer people do follow through regularly citing this excuse or that. I used to wonder how they could just change their mind at the last minute and think that would be OK with for those that were relying upon them.
I found a little passage written by Oriah Mountain Dreamer recently that helped me out with this. I've always struggled with the commitment responsibility thing. I really don't think it's OK to just let someone down because you just can't be bothered and you are feeling fickle. Oriah put it in such a way that made perfect sense. She talks about betrayal and honesty in her book The Invitation.
Oriah had her own revelation as with trustworthiness as she tells us
"I suddenly realized that the people in my life who are the most trustworthy - those who tell the truth, even when the truth is hard - are not those who always keep their agreements with me. Those who can be faithless- who can bear the responsibility of breaking an agreement with someone when the alternative is
to betray themselves - are trustworthy." (p.58)
The insight that I gained from this book was about being true enough to myself and strong enough with my own sense of commitment to my vitality, that I would break a promise to someone else. Seeing it from this point of view has been life changing for me. I was placing value on everyone else's needs far more than my own. I was betraying myself (and others) by not really being honest enough to say "No I cannot come to your night out because that would mean I miss out on spending time with my family, writing my book or painting my art". I was beginning to become one of those horrible resentful women that felt really put upon. I knew something had to change but I couldn't quiet get over my sense of duty to help out or listen when someone was down and out. I have spent countless hours on the phone to needy people, thinking it was absolutely necessary, and at the time it is, but there is a cost to this constant availability to others life dramas - it is your soul energy, your life force.
To be fair it is not other people's responsibility to understand or know when you are feeling overwhelmed, taken from, unappreciated or just plain tired. It is up to us to take responsibility for ourselves and this is where I had been going astray. I was quiet happy to live out other people's life dramas but I was avoiding my own. I really wasn't able to live out my life fully until I was able to say stop- enough I can't do it anymore. It is not always as simple as that either.
Sometimes the intricate webs we have weaved for ourselves hypnotise us into thinking this is the way it is and we cannot escape our own habits. Sometimes we are forced or trapped into lives we feel that we didn't choose for ourselves. Perhaps at times we are caught up in a way of doing things against our will, like working in a job as a step to getting where we want to go, or staying with a partner because it is easier than leaving to find our own strength. Sometimes it is necessary to follow through, to stay to build upon what you have, even if it seems shaky. There are no straightforward answers, but at least now, I have made the promise to myself that I will be less accommodating to everyone else's demands on my time and energy........even though I catch myself falling back into this way of being......I remind myself that I am responsible for myself first and foremost......
I am finding that I do not commit so easily now, I say no more often even to the ones I really love the most in my life.
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